I Let the Quicksand Take Me Down

Never QuitI was doing so well. I was going to bootcamp 4-5 times and week and running another 2-3 times a week. I felt strong and in control. I felt like I was on top of the world. Then, all of a sudden, my world started spiraling out of control. It felt like my new found strength was being tested on a daily basis. The more things spiraled, the more dark everything started to become.

If you know me, you know what I am optimist. The type of optimist that needs to keep at least one foot planted on the floor as I dream huge and see everything around me in vivid colour. One day, I woke up and the colour was gone. I felt like I was barely alive and I all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry. I knew in my heart that I needed to get up and go to bootcamp or a HIIT class or even go for a run, but I didn’t. I let the quicksand take me down. I told myself that I would get up tomorrow and go to class. That just for today, I would rest.

Fast forward six weeks.

I let depression kick me down to the point where I barely ran and just sporadically went to the gym. I allowed the excuses and pity take over. Looking back, I think I may have needed it. It’s not easy to juggle everything in my life and it’s even harder to juggle everything with a dark, looming cloud over you head. But, here I am today, ready to take back my body and my mind. The depression has faded and I am really looking forward to getting back into the routine of bootcamp, run and then work. I thrive on routine and apparently, I’m not really successful without it.

Upon my return to Blitz last week, I ended up leaving bootcamp in tears. With only a handful of workouts in the past 6 weeks, I am no where as strong or confident as I was before. I could barely run laps and today, I could hardly put together a modified burpee. This is not the girl I was less than 2 months ago. I ended up writing about my disappointment on a Facebook Fitness Accountability group and on Twitter. It seems like everyone knew how I was feeling and the common census is  I would get my strength back as muscle has memory. I know that I will get back to where I was and that having Sarah, Chris, Stephen, Brett and Brittany “You Don’t Need a Break In-between Sets” Albrecht is really keeping me going. I have the best Blitz support group.

I’m also very grateful that my depression only lasted a couple of weeks. It’s such a double edge sword really-you know that working out will make you feel better, but you need the energy to go to the gym. I couldn’t even imagine what this would be like to live with long-term and my heart goes out to anyone who struggles with this daily. I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and I promise my next post will be more upbeat, positive and kick ass.

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Comments

  1. Jen, you’re an inspiration. We all have downs, but the fact that you manage to get back up is amazing. I’m taking your lead and going to start my road to getting healthy. So thank you for inspiring me. <3

  2. I hope your next post is your usual upbeat, positive and kick ass style, Jen. But if it is not that is okay. Give yourself permission and time to be in whatever zone your mind and body needs to be in at certain times. Different than being mired in, you are simply accepting what is, when it is, with no judging.

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